Sexy Isn’t a Costume
Every girl that has hit puberty has dressed as a “sexy” something at least once on Halloween. Maybe you were a “sexy” tampon, “sexy” highlighter or a stack of “sexy” pancakes—yes, the costume industry is getting really creative—but I assure you it was not sexy.
I have five reasons why you thought you were being sexy and why you completely missed the mark:
1. Freezing isn’t sexy. It’s almost November and last time I checked, shivering was not sexy. Those freakishly intense goose bumps you have all over your thighs could be a symptom of a disease. People would be complimenting your creative, “sexy” Pope costume if they weren’t suggesting that you Web MD your wild goose bumps. Let’s say you did bring your giant coat just in case. You thought you were being super smart weren’t you? Well, you didn’t even wear it! You were too desperate to show off your super sexy costume, so you ended up holding your giant coat all night which turned out to be a huge burden.
2. Complaining isn’t sexy. Obviously, you were complaining about how cold you were or how annoying it was to hold your jacket you should’ve been wearing. You were mad that your opaque tights weren’t keeping you warm. Yea, those stupid tights—it’s definitely not your fault that you wore ass-less chaps and a leather bikini top in 40 degree weather to be Christina Aguilera from the music video “Dirty.”
3. Cock blocks aren’t sexy. The kind of guys you’re attracting with your “sexy” whatever the hell costume are creeps –not the cute guy you had your eye on. Do you want a creep staring and hanging around you all night? Maybe that cute, non-creepy guy from before wanted to approach you. Well, too bad because there is a sleazy guy cock blocking you and the guy you wanted to talk to is now backing off.
4. Confidence is sexy. That tight corset that your friends thought looked super-hot is slowly becoming one with your skin and you can’t wait to get home so you can rip that shit off and put on a pair of sweat pants. If you’re uncomfortable, people can tell. It completely affects your confidence and there is no point in wearing that “sexy” homeless person costume if you can’t exert the confidence to wear it. You’ll just look like a regular, grumpy homeless person. Being comfortable in your skin is what’s attractive—not the lack of clothing on it.
5. Being “sexy” for Halloween implies you can’t be sexy out of the other 364 days of the year. Sexy isn’t a costume! Halloween is about dressing up as something that you’re not. Sexy is being smart, intellectual, funny, confident and interesting. Any dummy can put on the same amount of clothing a one-year-old wears. What you see lined up in the women’s section of a costume store isn’t sexy, it’s desperate.
Whatever you do this Halloween, dress for yourself. Don’t be some ordinary stereotypical costume because you’re seeking attention or because your friends pushed you into it. I know the truth—I know you’re freezing in that costume and it feels like razor blades are being jammed into your ribs if you don’t stand up straight. Return that $50 costume that is too small to deserve a hanger and put on something you really want to wear. Your sexiness will still be intact, I swear.