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Hollow-f&*ing-ween!

Hilary Rowland Michael Rowland

Ok, so where do I start? Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays, but since moving to the Upper East Side… well… not so much. Besides the fact that you’ve got hordes of crazy kids from ages 4-14 (isn’t 14 a little old to be trick-or-treating??) running all over the neighborhood, they’re all high on sugar like cracked-out zombies. Instead of brains, it’s brownies they crave. Their poor parents!

You can see these poor bastards shuffling along behind their children with a “kill me now” look on their faces. You could even forgive them for putting sleeping pills in their Kool Aid. I know, I sound like the Grinch that stole Halloween, right? But this year, that was the least of my problems.

We got invited to a dinner in Soho with friends to watch a reincarnation of the Rocky Horror picture show. Sounded cool enough, but I would’ve been very happy to have just stayed home and watched a scary movie. It was some of our closest friends that invited us, and we agreed to go weeks in advance, so bailing would have been super lame. Though, in hindsight, bailing might have been the best decision I made all year.

So we’re driving down Houston street, kinda speeding because we’re running late. Mike had to make a pit stop at American Apparel to pick up white jeans, since we were dressing in all white as “just a couple of white people.” As we pull up to the store, we hear the rear tire go “POP”.

$h*t! So, we’re late, it’s raining, and we’re broken down in the middle of Houston street on Halloween. We called AAA and waited while watching Colbert Report on Hulu. Alas, after waiting longer than I’d like to admit and AAA still hadn’t shown up, poor Mike had to kneel on the street in the rain fixing the tire and dodging traffic (in his new white jeans, no less!)

In the entire time he was out there, no one bothered to help except for two nice Canadian guys (yeah Canada!) They said they felt compelled to help because most guys driving nice cars don’t know how to fix a flat, and they had a (correct) hunch that nobody else was going to offer. They seemed surprised that we’d been there for an hour and no cops had stopped to help. Welcome to New York City! “In Canada, you’d have every cop that passed offering to help out.” So Mike finally gets the tire off, only to realize our spare tire is flat too! What are the bleeping odds!! We managed to drive a few blocks up the road to park and leave the car.

Soaked, and sporting slightly less white outfits, we finally got to Duane Park and made it just in time for the show to start. The performances were great, and had a little bit of something for everyone. Half naked women, mostly naked men, transvestites, a fat bearded singer, and a host of other characters. It was hard to hear them sing at times, partly because the band was too loud, and partly because the table of Asian teenies next to us talked through the whole show. I really wanted to spray them with that stringy white prank spray we used to decorate our least favorite teachers cars with. If only I’d thought ahead and brought some!

By the end of the show, we didn’t have the stamina to go out for drinks, and since the car was still on the fritz, we hoped on the 6 train uptown. The train took forever to arrive, and when it finally did, it must have taken 45 min to get home because of multiple delays. The only entertaining part of our train ride was watching a guy dressed in a green bug costume in the car next to us fall over drunk and puke all over the place. The looks on the faces of the people around him, as the car slowed and the puke rapidly slid down the car, and hit their feet, were absolutely priceless. I can only imagine the smell! As we got off the train, the people began yelling as some guy in a Native American costume laid down on the floor and started taking off his pants. Welcome to the NY Subway on Halloween!

We finally get home, and I half expected our keys to be missing. Alas, they were in my bag, and we breezed into our apartment, only five hours after originally heading out for the night. Those five hours felt like five days. It’s safe to say, next year, I’m staying home for Halloween!! Maybe.

 

What do you love / hate about Halloween?

01
Nov
2013
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