An Awkward Thanksgiving
Last year we had a wonderful Thanksgiving in Brooklyn with our friends Max and Jill, so this year is the first time I’ve really experienced a true American Thanksgiving with family and in-laws. We spent it at Mike’s mom’s boyfriend’s place in Southampton. His house is very cute, with brown wood shingles; sort of like Nantucket-style.
Mike’s mom’s boyfriend, Kevin, is a very thoughtful guy in general, and Thanksgiving is certainly no exception. Not only did he decorate the dining room with cute festive accents, like autumn-colored candles, but he cooked an enormous dinner for all of us. And by ‘us’, I mean Kevin and Mike’s mom, three of his mom’s friends I hadn’t met before, Mike’s cousin and her husband (visiting from England) and, of course, the two of us.
Mike and I were the youngest people there by about 20 years, and the only people I knew well were Mike and his mom… The night started off as you might imagine any obligatory family night would — chatting about the weather and things like that, but quickly became more interesting (and slightly awkward), when Kevin’s dog, Marley started twerking. Yes, like Miley Cyrus-style. Kevin insisted that this was the first time he’s seen Marley twerk, but I’m guessing, based on the frequency and voracity of Marley’s air-humping skills, that the not-so-innocent pooch practices on his own LOL.
(This is where everybody else started drinking. I —being the “responsible” designated driver— did not, however, and got to experience the night completely bone-dry sober.)
After dinner the awkwardness continued with a book that his cousin had brought from London, called “50 Sheds of Gray” (which, amazingly, has been out-selling the actual ’50 Shades of Gray’ in the past few weeks). So there I am, stone-sober and sitting at a table with several strangers and in-laws my parents age, while this book all about raunchy sex is being passed around the table, with everyone reading from it. No really – I’m serious. Here are the passages I had to read out loud:
“Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.”
“At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I’d seen.”
“‘I’m your slave,’ she said breathlessly, ‘Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.’ So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.”
As we rolled and heaved, naked and desperate on the lawn, we knew what we were doing was wrong. We’d both seen the Keep Off the Grass sign.
‘What do you think?’ I asked as she stroked the bulging purple tip. ‘Not sure,’ she said, ‘I’ve never been given a Valentine tulip before.’
I inserted my finger, wiggled it around then removed it. She moaned as I entered, ‘When are you going to get a new key for that shed door?’
After nearly passing out on Kevin’s sofa, we drove to our friends house, where we’re crashing for a couple of nights while they’re off in the Caribbean enjoying the sun. This morning we woke up to three deer outside out window. Two were lying down next to each other, and the other was walking around and grazing. Seeing wildlife is my favorite thing about the Hamptons. Why anyone would want to point anything at these animals besides a camera or their finger, is beyond me. They’re so precious and elegant.
Well, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and that you’re have a great black Friday (remember, the best deals are online, so there’s really no sense in battling the crowds), and I’ll be back with more on Monday!
How was your Thanksgiving? What was your most awkward moment with relatives or strangers?